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Valuable tips to “enjoy” (the rest of) your summer

Francisco Miraval

I don’t understand why a local government agency sent me now, when there are just a few weeks left in the summer, a brochure in English and in Spanish with tips about how to enjoy my summer. The brochure should have been sent month ago, but, regardless, after reading those “tips” I am tempted to move to the dark side of moon so I will never see another summer again.

The brochure includes attractive images of people “enjoying” the summer perhaps because they didn’t read the brochure.

For example, the brochure includes several paragraphs explaining in detail all the dangers you face when you decide to prepare a BBQ, because, if you use coal, you can start a fire and burn down your house and, if you use gas, you can cause an explosion.

If you still want to have a BBQ, the brochure suggests you should take some precautions that look quite similar to building a military fort. For example, you should have fire-resistant wall, an automatic fire-extinguisher system, and several handheld fire-extinguishers close by. In addition, if possible, you should have a backyard big enough to have your BBQ far away from your house.

If preparing a BBQ is so dangerous, let’s forget about that and let’s focus on flowers and trees. Unfortunately, that’s very dangerous too, because you need to use many chemicals that may poison you or damage your skin and because you need to use powerful and dangerous tools, including saws and chainsaws.

Let’s say that, because your guardian angel is working extra hard, you survived cooking a BBQ and mowing the grass, there are still many other potential dangers. For example, there are many rules about what you can throw into the garbage, what you can recycle, what you can compost. Those rules are very strict to the point that they include the size and the color of the garbage bags you should use.

After reading all that, I thought it would be safe to take a walk in the park, but I was wrong. It seems that if you to a park you will find mosquitoes ready to share ugly diseases with you. And there are also snakes ready to bite you and other wild animals may attack you. If you survive those attacks, but you forgot a hat and sunscreen, the sun will become your enemy.

And, as I learned, it is better not to go to a swimming pool, because it seems too much dihydrogen monoxide in your lungs is not good for you.

It is also a good idea not to travel with your car, because summer is when most of the roads are built or repaired, causing streets to be closed and, therefore, increasing the potential for accidents, according to the brochure.

After reading the brochure I am convinced there is no way to ever really enjoy a summer, because surviving the summer is too complicated and risky. Perhaps we should all move to Antarctica and forget about summers.

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