Menu
header photo

Project Vision 21

Transforming lives, renewing minds, cocreating the future

Blog Search

Blog Archive

Comments

There are currently no blog comments.

“Why I cannot have any friends?”

Francisco Miraval

“Why I cannot have any friends?” a student from northern Africa recently asked me.  “Also, the older you get, the more difficult it gets to make friends,” she added.

This student, not even 30, came to the United State some years ago to continue with her college studies. She feels that her nationality, or her accent when she speaks English, or perhaps her faith or her traditional family values prevent her from having friends.

Is that really the case? After our brief conversation, she left and she soon just one more person amid a multitude of people in downtown Denver. She was not different from anybody else.

In other words, perhaps it is not the case that she has difficulties making new friends. Perhaps the true reason is that we live in a society that still does not see diversity or differences as something to celebrate, but as something to “manage” or “correct.”

Almost at the end of the conversation, the college student told me that part of the problem is that every time she tries to make friends those “friends” will impose some conditions, mostly related to the fact that she should abandon some of her traditions or beliefs if she wants to be accepted by her “friends.”

“What is the point of having friends if they do not accept me as I am and they will only accept me when I stop being who I am?” she said, without expecting any answer.

It is said that the Greek philosopher Aristotle defined friendship as “one soul in two bodies,” thus emphasizing the existential connection between friends, a connection that does not depend on physical proximity or “conditions.”

However, in our times, “friend” is no longer “another one like me.” “Friend” is just another name in a list of mostly unknown contacts in our social networking sites. I believe that we have devaluated both the idea and the experience of friendship, to the point that there are no longer true friends, but just social contacts imposing their conditions.

I recently read an article published by an Argentinean newspaper. The headline was, “We lost a great friend.” Below the headline was the picture of a well-known actor. I read the article only to learn that the “friend” who had “died” was not the actor, but a character the actor performed for a popular soap opera.

That character was so popular that his fictitious death became a real story. This is what researchers call a “parasocial relationship,” that is, a real relationship between a real person and a character or a “celebrity.”

Unlike real relationships, parasocial relationships are one-directional and predictable. They are also a source of learning and enjoyment. When interrupted, they cause emotional problems. They are real relationships, but not with real persons.

Recent studies indicate that parasocial relationships are now the model for all our relationships. For that reason, when an international student tries to make real friends, she will receive no answer, in spite of her best efforts.

Go Back